Image Map

Who are you lookin' at?!

28 May 2013

I'm pretty sure most of us have gone through this "who the hell am I" phase of our life. If you haven't, I CALL BS! I'm sure we have all wondered who we are, and what we are doing here, and what in God's name is our purpose?! This is my experience with that. . .might wanna grab some popcorn. . . .just sayin'!

"Who are you, and how did you get into my mirror? I don't know you? What?! You're me? Uhhhh. . . ."

Yep! That's what it felt like when I would look in the mirror. Like some crazy lady somehow was trapped in there.  *sigh*
I was confident in who I was a long time ago, insecure, but still, I knew who I was. I was okay with that. I accepted my flaws and my imperfections. Some days were better than others. I just kept busy.
I finished high school with a mediocre GPA, joined the military, and soon after, I felt more confidant than I had ever been. So what happened, you say? Well hold your horses! I'll get to it!

Soon after getting to my first duty station, in Washington, I met, and surprisingly, fell in love with my husband!  I knew this was my soul mate! We got married after only dating for 4-5 months, and then a month after we got married, I found out I was pregnant.  I was almost devastated (sounds bad, I know!), I didn't want kids for a while! After a couple of months, the idea of being a mother was a little less frightening, and more inviting! I was excited and scared.

Fast forward. . . .

After having my healthy baby girl, I didn't feel like anything was real. I didn't even feel like I was real. I felt like I was Morgan Freemannarrating my own life. My husband deployed a month and a half after our baby was born, I went back to work, but mostly, felt numb and sorry for myself for not having any feelings. I was a robot, doing day to day task to keep me and my daughter alive. I lack any emotion for my daughter. I loved her with all my heart, and would never do anything  hurt her, but emotionally, I was an absent parent. I always painted this pretty picture with my family, that everything was all fine and dandy, but it wasn't. I felt like I was slowly shutting down. I didn't know what my purpose was, and wasn't too interested to go on a quest to search for it either. I had wonderful friends who would take me on mommy dates to help me unwind. It was nice, but it didn't really change anything. 

When my husband came home, he surprised me at work with flowers, and I think that was the first time in a while, that I have had any emotion. I was so happy to see him, but I was also disappointed with myself. Normally you see these women, crying their eyes out, hugging and kissing their husbands, looking like they were whole once again. I was disappointed that I didn't feel more passionate about him standing right there in front of me, after being away for 7 months. I missed him a lot, but I just couldn't give him the satisfaction of leaping into his arms.

A year later, I still couldn't shake the numbness. It took a toll on my husband and me, But I just stuffed it down, put a happy face on, and kept on walking the walk. I got pregnant for my second baby in July, and was really excited! He was planned. But part of me felt somewhat irresponsible for even wanted a second child. I lacked any emotion. How am I going to get through this?

 My pregnancy was far from wonderful. Call it hormones, or what you will, but my robotic feeling soon turned into anger. It was like all these emotions just flooded me all at once, and I had no idea how to handle it. I'm honestly surprised that my husband is still around! I was a evil bitch! I would scream and cry over something stupid. I really had completely lost myself. After a while it went away. I felt good enough to be a stay-at-home mom, and spend quality time with my daughter. . .or so I thought. . .I was working on getting the house cleaned and went to work on my daughters room. I was asking her to help mommy pick up toys. She crossed her arms and threw her "terrible-two's" tantrum. I kept trying to reason with her, bribe her, and show her how it was done. Finally, I had lost it. I screamed at her. "Screamed" might be somewhat of an understatement. I was in her face, spit flying, SCREAMING! I scared her. Once I saw the fear on her face, I scoped her up and held her tighter than I have ever held her, just sobbing. I was felt like such a waste of a human being. I broke her heart! What the hell was I doing?  I laid her down in her bed,  kissed her, still sobbing, and just sat in the corner and screamed and cried. I needed serious help. I called my husband. He could barely understand me. I just kept saying, I was sorry. Needless to say, it freaked him out, and he rushed home, took the bullets away for my MP 15-22 (just as a precautionary measure), calmed me down, and got the neighbor. I felt like a freak. I didn't want them seeing me like this!
The rest of the day was such a blur. I couldn't remember if my neighbor came or not that day, to be honest. Strangely enough, she became one of my biggest supporters, and a wonderful friend! (That's right! I'm calling you out! ;) ) I decided enough was enough. I talked to my doctor. He said "Hormones do weird things, but they don't cause this. You need to seek counseling." So I did. I was so amazed how much I had bottled inside. There are a lot of issues from my past, that I never fully resolved. I didn't have the best childhood, but I didn't have the worst. There were a lot of happy times, but the bad times, well, they were BAD!

I had my son, still had a little bit of issues trying to express my emotions, but I didn't feel like a robot or a psycho bitch anymore, just needy! Haha! It took a long time to fully feel like myself. When I did start feeling worthy and like myself, it hit me like a freight train! (Why can't this shit happen gradually?) It started when my husband went on his second deployment. I was determined to change my life, and attitude for good, even if it meant morning pep talks in the mirror! I was going to do it!

I have never felt so powerful, and more like me, in a long time, and it's so great to have ME back! I have achieved so much! I still have bad days, but I just have to keep pushing forward. I don't want life to pass me by. I still have a lot of work to do, but I feel more emotionally connected to my kids and my husband. I still have a hard time around people I don't know well, but that will change. Right now, I'm all about improving myself, respecting myself, and loving who I am. I am truly blessed for everything I have been given in my life.  I have never been more happy to be ME!

No comments:

Post a Comment