*I See Dead People*

It's not what you think, I promise! I don't see dead people walking around or anything like that! Sorry to disappoint!

Aaaanywho.

I have a fear. Something that I've been afraid of since I can remember. I'm afraid of  death.

 I know what you're saying. . .everyone is afraid of losing their loved one's or losing their own life. But everyone dies so it's okay!

It's a bit more complicated than that.

I use to have dark, creepy dreams when I was a kid of  the dead. I would either dream that I'm trapped in a room with a body, or there is a body in my house, or in a building I'm in. . .and it would scare the living daylights out of me. The faces were vivid, but it wasn't anyone I knew. In those dreams, I would try to close my eyes so I wouldn't see them, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. I would always wake up in a panic from those. . . .I hated them so much, and I hated myself for even dreaming that crap! I was so afraid to go to funerals or that I would end up in a casket too young! But when you're young, you don't exactly think of the ways you can die. I just knew I didn't want to!

Fast forward to now. . . .

Those dreams are less frequent, but they still happen. The anxiety is still there, but has morphed into something a little more. At one point, I was afraid to drive, afraid to walk in public, afraid to be outside after dark. I was almost certain that I would die in one of these scenarios. I would also be afraid to fall asleep most nights. Fearing that I would never wake up. That fear only got worse when I had kids. I never wanted to leave my home. But when you have a husband who deploys, you don't exactly have a choice but to face those fears. I am now comfortably taking road trips, walking around the neighborhood, and being outside at night, with a light on, on my porch, with the door open so i can make a quick entrance if necessary. lol.  That fear is always in the back of my head and for the most part, it stays there.

I know there are a lot of people who seem to have a solution to this. Like, "live everyday like it's your last" or "death and taxes are the only things guaranteed." I wish it was that easy, but neither one of those helps. It just makes me panic. All I hold on to is that, when you get older, sometimes it gets easier to think about death. You become more prepared for it. At least that's what I hear. I'm learning to push those out of my head for now. They reemerge sometimes.  I am so tired of being afraid of life, and I do my best to try to live it. You know how when people ask, "if there is one thing about you that you could change, what would it be?" Well I know I would get rid of this whole fear thing so I can live life! That would be nice. . .

I'm doing the best I can do for now, and that is just to cope. Sometimes, that's all we can do.