Dear Me,
We have needed this letter for a long time. You and I both know it. . .I'm writing to you to let you know, you're not doing such a bad job in life.
You are kind, loving, caring, feisty, tough. . .and too angry. But you're getting better. There is a lot in your past that you feel you should be angry about. But how long will you hold on to that? Until it kills you? It chips away at you. Now, the chipping is less frequent. Still there though. You need to do something about that. Why hold onto grudges? Why blame everyone else for why you struggle? I wouldn't say that is exactly fair. After all, they did the best they could. Let go of all that anger. . .just let it go.
Let go of those flashbacks, and scary moments, and vivid dreams that seemed to have nothing to do with anything. Please, for God's Sake, just release it.
I wish you would take your own advice. I know you want to help the world rid all their problems, but if you have learned anything over the years, you can't save them all, kid. You certainly can't save anyone if you can't save yourself. FOCUS ON YOU! Focus on being better for your family. Your husband and kids deserve 100% of you, you know, the happy, focused, you. Don't drag them down anymore. Love yourself a little more. Be happy. Happy wife=a happy home! Or at least, that's what I hear. ;)
When that voice gets in your head, you know, the one in the subconscious state, tell it to fuck off. Smash that bastard robot into a million tiny pieces and then burn it! I know its all harder than it sounds, but you and I both know we will get a kick out of visualizing that! You are visualizing it now! I see that smirk on your face! That little robot is a demon. We both hate it. So do your kids! Isn't it time that it went to hell where it belongs?
You should probably give yourself a little more credit. Stop wondering if you are doing this, or that right! Especially when it comes to parenting. You know what your kids need. You will never be a perfect parent. In fact, Perfect parent is an oxymoron. Just take it one day at a time. A new challenge will arise everyday. Life will never go the way you plan. Just go with it, anyways! That's all you can do!
STOP BEING AFRAID! Stop hiding! Stop allowing the thought of "death" keep you from living! Everyone dies! You will too one day, and do you want to be remembered for being to afraid to die? I didn't think so. I know you freak out every time you think about "your time". I know you dream of people around you, even ones that you don't even know, dropping like flies. I know their faces are scary and vivid, but please, don't let it scare you, It's just dreams. Nothing more. When it's your time to go, it will happen. Just live!! You only have one life!
Just so you know, you are not worthless. Stop believing it. Quit your pity party bullshit and pick your self up and walk tall! You are powerful. You have people who love you. Just look at everything you have accomplished so far! It can only go up from here! (I hope I'm not jinxing you.) You have remained strong through your dark times, you have risen above it. Sure, you still have some work to do, but look at you! You complete your military duty, are married to a wonderful man, have two amazing kids, have been through deployments, have big dreams of college, and a big family, no matter how broken it may seem, who have your back. You go, kid! You're doing okay!
Please consider everything I am saying to you. I want you to be your best. You have so much going for you and so much in the future to look forward to!
Love,
Me
Make sure you are not allowing satan to isolate you! Don't feel like, you have to stay inside with the kids all day. Find a sitter and go out with some friends and just talk if you can. If you don't have a sitter you trust, play dates aren't a bad idea! And remember that Jesus is there for you! He already showed us that He's willing to give everything for a relationship with us! Don't leave Him out of your recovery plan! Love you, and as one introvert who has also suffered from anxiety most of her life, know that I am praying for you! Just take it one hour at a time if you have to, and remember not to allow yourself to be alone too often! Extroverts become depressed when they don't get social interaction, and who doesn't need the love and support of a good friend?
ReplyDelete